Silver linings are hard to find when the darkness snuffs it out

To this day I am still being abused. I thought that my abuser had been replaced by the man I fell in love with but I was wrong. He didn’t learn how to stop playing this game, he just learned how to play smarter to avoid being kicked out of the game. I feel manipulated and stupid. I know I must forgive myself. No point blaming myself for the characteristics of others. None of my actions made him act this way. Abuse is always a choice, his choice to twist my personality disorder into a weapon against me; his choice to break me down to tears everyday; his choice to stalk; his choice to play my forgiving heart against me. I’m starting to lose it. I can’t play this game anymore. I just want to be me again. I want to worry about things that are important to my life, not just trying to exist without crying for the day. I want to feel free again. Depression has brought me into such a suffocating, overwhelming, gloomy funk that I can barely get through work without anyone noticing. People are starting to avoid eye contact with me. Maybe it’s because I avoid theirs in the first place. I very much would like to switch over to mania right now. Depression has lasted too long and has been excruciatingly brutal to my mind. At least in hypo-mania I feel like I get stuff done. My mania isn’t me being intolerable to be around. I don’t get agitated any quicker than my normal patient self, I don’t spend ridiculous amounts of money anymore, etc. I learned to control it and see when it was coming on so I always directed the energy constructively. The old me used to punch walls, spend hundreds I didn’t have in a day just going out, be anxious. Now a days I like to write lists when it gets bad. I get things done that I avoided while in depression. I catch up on books and chores. I just wish I could constructively channel my energy again. I wish I were brave enough to drop this energy sucking vampire I married. I just want happiness. I need to be reborn into the woman I am meant to be. Things will get better once I learn how to take care of myseld again. I hope I can do it.
Thanks for listening to my venting.

Best wishes, pleasant vibes, always,
M

Sunshine

My life constantly swings between drastics at rapid velocity, only to come screaching to a halt for a few days at a time. These last few weeks are no exception. My life went from kisses and breakfast every morning to my husband being in jail with a protection order issued by the state for domestic violence. How did that happen? Manic depression, extreme anxiety, and less than ideal circumstances. I had quit my job due to being sexual harassed by guests. My husband didnt know the conditions of my quiting (I didn’t find it wise to tell and cause more anxiety) and thought me to be a lazy good for nothing. I was depressed. Nobody wanted to hire me for a few weeks. I cried after recieving a rejection letter from the job of my dreams. I could barely get out of bed in the morning all the while my husband told me everytime he could everyday how worthless I was. I sunk deeper and deeper. He saw me as a zombie: barely talking, never leaving the house, letting my personal hygene go to hell, etc.. He thought he needed to slap me to wake me up. He didnt realize I am fully aware of all that is around me. I just can’t react the way I want to:cheerfully and gracefully. So, once I felt I was in real danger and my body was coursing with adrenaline, I ran as fast as I could to be in the public eye and called the police. They arrived and took him away. I never wanted him to be taken; I just needed help. He needed to know he can not do that to me anymore and that I have people to defend me should I not be able to defend myself. Evidently it was too late for a warning. He was commited briefly, less than three days, and when he was released, he had changed. He had learned his lesson. He apologized for everything. He began to read the bible and was excited to tell me all about Noah and his ark. He prayed, something I had begged him to do for over a year now. He said the words “I am truly sorry” AND gave consistent actions to prove his words. He has never had true remorse for anything he does. He justifies it in his mind. Now, nothing truly hateful is justified and he wears his shame until he corrects it and is forgiven. He manages his anxiety now and he will not touch me unless it is gentle and caring. I feel much better. I am safe. I feel so much better now that negativity is not being poured down my throat. I can heal. I got a job that makes me happy. I am starting to get my friends back. I can laugh and do hobbies again. The sun has been shining bright and I walk to work with a skip in my step. The light feels so wonderful and the sunshine in my life is slowly coming back. I am so very grateful. Grateful my life is productive again, grateful my happiness is returning, grateful the man who love me has finally returned replacing the abuser, and grateful I have all my needs met.

Good vibes, pleasant thoughts, happy futures to all
-M

Caged in

 Recently I have been feeling as if I can not breathe. I was stifled and brought down. I was not allowed to explore the world at all, let alone the inner workings of myself and my husband. I had to nearly destroy myself and the person I love most in this world in order to gain any resemblance of balance in my life. And now that the major storm has passed I still feel caged in and stuck in the mud. My mind is clear of the ominous fog that creeps over me so often but even though my mind is clear, I have no motivation. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration; there is definitely motivation in my life, but not so much as to make me feel constantly busy. I like to stay busy. Having tasks to complete all day helps my mind stay preoccupied from dark thoughts and helps me to gain confidence after every activity I get to mark off my list. My problem lately is that I don’t have enough things to do to fill my time. I want to feel useful and productive, not like I’m wasting my life away. But what should I do? What can I do? You would think that with a full time job, a husband, mental breakdowns and three furry babies I would be at capacity, yet for some reason I’m sitting around waiting for it to be late enough to fall asleep more often than not. In the past I’ve felt like I only had the free time due to neglect on my part. Today that isn’t the case. My husbands needs and wants are always addressed and we keep a steady flow of conversation throughout the day. All of my fuzzy babies are well groomed, fed, trained and exercised.I eat healthy and make time to meditate, exercise, and do hobbies. I’ve recently even gotten into the video game Disney Infinity (the statues and game play is just too cute!) and still can’t find enough things to do to keep my attention. My coping mechanisms aren’t working so it looks like its time to find new ways to do it. Hopefully I’ll get myself back together soon. Being bipolar means I have to be perfectly content with just being “okay”. And its been a pretty okay day today so I’ll count this as a good day =) Tomorrow will be better!

Thanks for reading my brief and long over due update on life! I hope all of you are doing better than I’ve been doing and have been leading fulfilling lives. The struggle gets real sometimes you guys!

Good vibes and happy prayers,

M

Overdue dumping

My world came to a screeching halt as I very nearly lost myself again. I was so close to being locked away or worse. And I’m still not quite all there yet. I blank out moments of my days and my focus is not where it should be at any given time. My mind is racing too fast for me to catch but thats okay because it wont be gone forever. Im still having a hard time controlling my need to lash out but its beginning to mellow out. As soon as the bruises are gone that will be the end of that. No need to beat myself up about having a moment of weakness but theres also no need to excuse myself of it. I must not let myself degenerate that far. I know what I need to do to prevent episodes so I have no excuse not to do it besides my own laziness. And laziness is unacceptable when there is serious matters at hand. Sometimes we get so lost in the world that we forget whats important. I apologize to myself for forgetting to care about anything. Depression will not win so long as Im always taking steps forward, no matter how small those steps are.

10:30 a.m and I am already in a bad mood

As the title stated, I’m in a bad mood. Everything is extremely irritated and my manic side has really made itself known today. Hubby is really pushing my buttons lately. I try to be above it all and just let my anger go but right now it is difficult. So I’m going to vent here rather than let it stew in my mind all day; hopefully after this I will feel better. Why am I angry with E? He is repeatedly showing how incredibly selfish he can be. Normally this wouldn’t bother me  because everyone is selfish, its in human nature, but being hypomanic makes me less forgiving. He realized we have some extra money this month and has already planned how it will be spent. Now I want it to  be known that my money is his money; I have no intention of withholding money from him. That being said, I am frustrated that he has decided to spend 200 dollars without discussing it with me. And on top of that he asked me for 150 dollars out of my pocket when I had given him a 300 dollar check two days ago. I had tried giving him the 150 dollars cash this morning and I mentioned the check. My intentions were to ask if he could go to the ATM to get the money I just gave him or if he needed more. He became angry before I even finished talking and gave the cash back and stormed off to work. Now I just sat there furious with a half spoken sentence hanging on my tongue. Treating me like that awakened the mean beast in me. Now I’m going to judge and be mean for a sec. So excuse me beforehand, I’m sure I’ll apologize for having these harsh thoughts later. The 200 dollars will be spent on snowboarding gear for my husband among other things. The reason this is selfish is because he had told me he was looking for my gear. I have no gear besides a snowboard with no bindings (the part that holds your feet in). E has everything he needs plus unnecessary accessories and has gone up several times while I have yet to enjoy the mountain. I think that’s quite selfish and rude to me. I feel very overlooked and under appreciated. Just last night he interrupted me mid sentence to discuss what had been on his mind and then didn’t care to find out what I had been trying to talk to him about afterwards. His selfishness and plain disrespect is bringing me down. I just want to feel like his partner not like an object to be used when needed. Is there a blog or group discussion where I would be able to figure out how to handle myself in these situations? Marriage is extremely difficult with bipolar disorder.
Any who, the second reason I’m so irritable is my job. I work retail so when my shop is empty and cleaned I am free to use my phone so long as I put it away when a customer comes in(boss approved of course). So today I was doing just that when my boss walked in while he was busy on the phone with his business partner. They finished arguing so I put my phone down to speak to him and he immediately contradicted the phone rule and scolded me, simultaneously ignoring the fact that  I was trying to relay important information. He then left in a huff without that information. Now I understand that work is not a place for technology and I have no problem putting my phone away during my shift, but yelling at me to defuse the anger he had towards his partner is unacceptable. Especially when my checks have been short recently and I’ve been putting in over time as a favor to my boss. And on top of this, my tax information is changed constantly without my permission which is extremely illegal. I would think that I deserve to be paid and treated fairly but evidently everyone is in as bad a mood as I am. Quite honestly I am fed up with the treatment I get at work and I will be leaving as soon as I find another job and receive the money my current job owes me.
I am fed up with how people are treating me lately. Today is my “screw you all” day. I am not in the right state of mind to be dealing with everyone’s bull  so I give up. Bipolar disorder, you win today but tomorrow will be a new day. I’ll be better tomorrow. Thank you for reading my angry rant. I hope you all are having better days than mine.

Wishing you all manageable days,
M

Call me crazy!

Most people hear the word “crazy” and think of all the negative implications tied to the word; I think of empowerment and individuality when I hear the word “Crazy”. When people ask if I’m crazy, as a joke or otherwise, I smile at them broadly and say “As a matter of fact, I’m extremely insane.” 😊. Because the truth is that I am a complete nut job. I am not equipped to deal with the world in a way that people without mental health struggles would. I am different and I must act different to get the same results a “normal” person would and that makes me different/slightly cooky. I am not ashamed of it it all because I have confidence in myself. As long as the job gets done then who cares about how I accomplished it? Certainly not the people reaping the benefits of my actions. So my fellow survivors, embrace your individuality! Anyone can tell you how something is done but true understanding and learning comes when you can tell someone how and why you did it on your own terms from your own mind.

When I began this blog the very first post I made was titled “Harley Quinn’s decent into madness” which was accompanied by a picture of The Joker and Harley Quinn. That post was one of the few writings that I wrote several proofs of before deciding to post (it took me several days to find the right words). It took me so long because I wanted to get to the core of why I was writing in general. I wanted to be able to look at the beginning and feel encouraged to continue sharing my life during all of its turns. And my reason to start this blog to begin with is simple. I’m crazy! Or rather I am crazy and would like to control myself enough to not feel “crazy” in a negative way. Writing gives me a chance to reflect and take a breather from the real world. It makes me stop and appreciate all that I do have while forgetting my selfish wants. It also makes me want to better myself so that I can come out here in the blog world and present myself as I want to be seen. Don’t get me wrong, I am not perfect so there will be some bad or negative posts sometimes, but just having the motivation that comes with having this blog is extremely helpful. I want to better myself not only for myself but for you all. I want to be an example for anyone out there struggling. I want you all to be able to read my words and not only see where I am coming from but also see that life can and will get better if you take the steps. Your life is your own to live so do not let anyone, anything, or mental illness be the ruler of your world. You always come first and I hope you all never forget that when life’s struggles shows its ugly face. Own your crazy as I own mine!

Wishing you all a happy new year filled with adventures and love,
M

P.s. Excuse the scattered nature of this blog, I am extremely tired after last nights festivities and this day’s work shift. Not to mention I feel slightly manic (hopefully it doesn’t last).
P.s.s Thank you all for being a part of my self help mission. It is a joy to receive notifications from wordpress 🙂

Rainbows at christmas

Excuse my brief absence guys; I was off battling to take control of myself and my situation. In my last post I reached out for help regarding my marriage and I am happy to report that we are doing much better. It took a few explosions and a lot of vulnerability, but that’s what marriage is about. It will always be work but nothing worth having is easy. I am very thankful to have my husband on my side even though he drives me crazy at times. 💏 Speaking of being thankful, happy holidays everyone! This year I have much to be thankful for as I celebrate Christmas with my much bigger family. I just wanted to share my list of joy with you all!

1. My boyfriend became my husband this year 💕. I am very grateful for E and I would have nothing now without his help. He healed my broken heart and gave me confidence in myself after being lost for so long. He gave me a life I am finally happy to live. I am proud to be married to my best friend and I have vowed  to spend the rest of my life  with him by my side. No other feeling can trump what true love feels like, so that’s why I’ve listed it as #1.
2. I got my puppy 🐕.

This is Peanut, my Chihuahua\Pug. This was her at 8 weeks old on the day we got her. She is currently 4 months old and growing bigger every day. She is extremely smart and she’s a joy to come home to each day even though she acts like a spoiled brat (I’m just chalking it up to her being a baby and having a short attention span). She is potty trained already, sleeps through the night, and knows the commands no, sit, drop it, and fetch. I’m glad she brightens every one of my days.
3. My family 👪. Over the years my family and I have pushed each other away and at the beginning of this year there was no exception to that. But after a few awkward months of attempting to be friendly with my family, I succeeded. I finally felt comfortable being with my parents and younger brother (who is in high school) a few weeks ago after visiting with them frequently at work and home. Having them around is very good for me and I feel much more whole when I am connected to my family.
4. My opportunities🔰💲👗. I have a stable job that will help me finish my schooling ( I was a high school drop out due to emotional and mental instability. Academically I was an honors student in an already advanced program.) and begin my journey through college. I am excited to begin studying again so me and E have all the tools necessary to open a food establishment. He is a great chef and I’m ready to take the baby steps to reach our goals together.

I’m sure I could list many more things; that’s all I’ll say for now. I was getting into my personal life more than I would like and that’s a post for another day! Maybe someday you all will see the face behind the blog but, today is not that day. I hope you all enjoy your holidays! If you do not celebrate at this time of year, I hope you enjoy your time and feel positive about yourself in every moment.

Good vibes and happy wishes on you and your families,
M

The complete and eminent destruction of my mind

Lately I can not be positive. I must have crossed a line with my husband in one of the many manic outbursts I’ve been having recently. All I can seem to muster is a blank stare into the world as I mechanically do my daily duties. Depression is really tugging me down and I haven’t felt this way in a very long time; I don’t know what to do to cope anymore. I used to turn to music, but I do not have the time after my 10 hour shifts. I also used to turn to E but lately it seems as if my disorder is too much for him to handle. I will not push him so far that he wants to leave me again; he has tried twice already. I will see no support from him because he is finished dealing with my abnormal behavior. And truth be told I don’t blame him. Not everyone can handle the stress of being a part of a support system. And in the case of hubby, he was the only support in my system, which would put a lot of pressure on anyone. I am beginning to understand why so many marriages with bipolar partners end in divorce. Its sad that society has not taught people how to help the mentally different people. I feel like someone to be afraid of because that is what we as a country have taught and reinforced.
Right now I am not in a very good spot in life. And with no more support readily available to me, I feel as if I will spiral out of control. I have the option to leave this unhappy life, but what good would it do if I can’t heal by myself? I feel like I am out of options and all I have left is to wait out the sadness and remove the pain from my heart. I am lost. Let’s hope I find myself before I end up hospitalized. So this is my cry for help. Does anyone have any advice to give me regarding my marriage? I would be very grateful to have the opinion of an outside person; it gets lonely and sad being stuck in my own mind.
I hope all of your days are going better than mine.

Wishing you all good vibes and happy hearts,
M

The major roller coaster ride that is my life:

Some days I wake up in such a fantastic mood that I do things I normally wouldn’t; I will hum in the shower, buy or make myself a special coffee, create an empowering “to do list” that normally gets abandoned, bring a book I intend to read at my retail job that eventually also gets abandoned, and just all-around “I can conquer the world” actions. By midday I realize I am acting hypomanic rather than just feeling simply rested and energized. And by bedtime I’m still energized and keeping my poor husband awake by being restless and fidgety.
On other days I wake up so foul-minded that I don’t care about anything. I either wake up in tears from bad dreams or simply lay in bed convincing myself that I need to get up even if it’s only to maintain routine and normalcy within my life.I then continue throughout my day with a frown naturally on my face and a fake smile covering that. On these days it is hard to feel any emotions other than gloom and fear. I try to be normal or happy but all that comes out is forced fakeness. On these nights E becomes saddened and feels as if I abandoned him mentally and emotionally because my mind is heavily fogged.I then cry myself to sleep due to my inability to control the illness and make it stop.
For the past two or so months, I feel as if I have been swinging back-and-forth between these radicals with hardly any hang-time at “normal”.I want to be able to react to my life with the appropriate response, but it just feels as if I can’t. My body won’t do what I am telling it to do. I have been trying to fix this, but for some reason I couldn’t find the motivation/a reason to stay on my vitamin and exercise routine or do anything productive.I can state my reasons logically; this is for my husband’s sanity, this is for my well-being, this is for training a puppy that I want to have good development, this is for my family, etc…. But when it comes down to performing, those reason vanish for my mind and all that remains is “I’m tired” or “I don’t want to”.
The struggle to stick to what I say has been getting me down and I must remember that no one is perfect and my flaws and mistakes are not as dire as I make them to be. It is simply the way I am. And rather than being scared of all the ups and downs, I should be throwing my hands up and enjoying the thrill of my roller coaster life. It is both a blessing and a curse to live with bipolar II. On the up-side I am very aware of myself and very empathetic to others, a quality I am proud to have and display. On the down-side the emotional swings just suck to put it bluntly. But this is my life to live up, so I shall.
(Excuse my comma splices; correct grammar is for essays and business letters, not blogs :).)
Wishing you all blessings and good energy,
M

Day 1- Dealing with depression- refusing traditional medicine

Lately I haven’t been doing very well about managing my disorder. It’s gotten to the point where my husband has become upset because I’m no longer acting like the woman he fell in love with. And me, being the wonderful person I am, have thought it appropriate to make him suffer along-side me. *Evil cackle* All jokes aside though, its time to reevaluate the way I act when having an episode of depression. My healthy, loving relationship is under tension more often than I would like; for the
sake of E, I have to figure out a new way to manage myself.

In my younger days I tried medication for all of one week and hated it. Cue elementary age girl throwing pill bottles into a lake. So as you can see I learned of my illness long before I could make any sense of it and have been self managing (besides the few occasion a real therapy session was more beneficial to my health than slamming a fist through a wall). But my decision to refuse traditional medicine has not been an easy one. I am constantly reminded of how coping is a daily effort and pills would make it easier right? But I do not want to have to rely on anything but myself to manage;what are my first steps then?

Taking care of ny physical body:Scientifically I have a chemical imbalance and thats whats to blame for my “craziness”, so the idea is that if I take care of my physical needs my brain juices will start flowing in a more healthy pattern. Makes sense right? But what if slightly more regular isn’t enough? Well heres to staying positive and saying its a start. My goal right now is to start a regular work out routine. I have all the tools at my fingertips on this very handy smart phone so all I need to do now is make myself get up early enough to complete my already ready routine. (Ugh thank god for coffee and pep talks). Wish me luck! I’ll be posting progress once its accomplished. Thanks for reading!

Good vibes,
M